It’s hard to let go of a friendship that had endured the test of time. It’s especially difficult when perhaps the reason for the dissolving of it could have been prevented if forgiveness was a focus. This friend had a way of getting me out of my shell and out having fun. She has an outgoing spirit and is a friend to everyone practically. When on her Facebook I noticed that she has many mutual friends that I have or seemingly random people that I know that is also connected to her. I guess you could say she was the popular girl that I was grateful befriended me. However, I have had a wound that was partially self-inflicted. Her popularity unconsciously had me hold onto a false belief that I wasn’t worthy of her time and attention. In the past, I have seen her have friends come and go. It was extremely painful to be dismissed for new friends. Friends that I knew brought many problems with them.
I could see how one was manipulative and had a victim mentality. I had tried to befriend her and even sent her to a therapist for help only to see her spiral downward. The other found her value in pursuing people solely for her pleasure. She was a taker. Both were toxic and it had colored my reality for many years. I’m sure they did that to her too. Most likely to the extreme. Now that I’m older and can see clearly how unhealthy those relationships were. I was fairly smart about staying away from these women but now that I can discern more I think I would have avoided them all together even if it meant the cost of my friendship with her at the time. Knowing how my friend handled things I know she would have made time for me even if I chose not to associate myself with those two women. At any rate, the so-called damage was done. I had developed a sort of complex. One that had me believing that I was insufficient. I wasn’t beautiful enough. I felt like the ugly friend. I also thought that because she didn’t socialize with me often that I was unworthy. Also, I must be boring to her since she didn’t seem to want to spend time with me. This being tested and proven. When asking her to have a short outing for coffee I would see on social media that she would socialize with those two women instead. A huge blow to my ego. So, with the accumulation of these experiences it didn’t lend itself to a good self image.
So now I’m taking responsibility for my insecurities, my unhealed wounds, and my words that had leaked out all that I had been struggling with for years. My head knows what to do in this situation but my heart has some catching up to do. The good news is that I have caught up for the most part. I have done activities that help promote healing. I have talked to a close friend that is non-judgemental and forgiving. To be able to express my frustration, loss and depression. The first few weeks of knowing that the friendship had indeed been lost were extremely hard. My husband was and continues to be a constant support. The first week I had let him know that I would be sad and not doing much. I had warned him that I would be taking a nap which basically meant that I would be going to bed early. I also warned him that I would have a glass of wine beside me. I basically had a glass of wine for several days and I also slept more than usual. After the first few weeks I had gotten back to sleeping normally and not wanting to feel like I wanted to cry all the time. In fact, I did cry one night over it. (I also stopped the daily glass of wine.) After feeling sorry for myself I got out. I went to a gathering of friends and made sure to bring my husband along. I also reunited with an old friend.
Focusing on happiness and the abundance that I already have. Basically focusing on the good. It has helped deepen my sense of gratitude. It also opened up my eyes more that along the path some friends will disappear from my reality for specific reasons. What those reasons are I may or may not know. All I know is that I have to let go in order to move forward. So, little by little I am growing and healing. I am accepting what is and knowing that I have good friends. I have enough. I am enough. I am worthy of true friendships. Friendships based on love, forgiveness, and full acceptance. I also know I can give that to my friends as well. So, I encourage anyone going through a fall out to reach out in self love and to focus on the abundance that is already in your life. Sometimes all we need is just one good friend. That friend in dark times can be yourself. Much Love and Light, Reina “Raven”